I wouldn’t necessarily say that alcohol has made my life unmanageable – it was long before I took to alcohol as my drug of choice – but that the alcohol I used as means of calming my nerves from the effect of living in chaos aggravated this chaos to an extent where I could no longer cope at all.
My first drug of choice was fantasy. I created a world for myself to live in, a world I could bear to inhabit. I have done this for as long as I can remember, but the first time I managed to spin a tale so real that the adults in my life actually believed me I had just turned four. It took me years to get grounded and clear up the mess of 30 years living in fantasy land. Having said that, I did actually manage to move into the realm of most people’s reality and if I could manage that I can manage sobriety!
It wasn’t really until a year ago that alcohol became a problem. I had been a heavy drinker at times before that but I had always managed to keep the drinking under control and had no problem holding off. I also never drank alone until then, and I didn’t try to hide my drinking.
So, the unmanageable bit….
Financially – I drink to forget financial worry and end up spending yet more money. Not just on the booze but by spending recklessly when I’m on the piss. The next day waking up worried sick about how we are going to get through the month and then putting the lid on by drinking – and spending – yet more. At the moment I’m working myself into the grave to be able to get on my feet financially and I have kept ruining this by drowning the stress and worry.
Socially – I get extremely big-headed when drunk. There is nothing wrong with parts of my self confidence at the best of times, but when drunk I get obnoxious to a point where I just cringe thinking about it the day after. My computer, and phone, ought to be fitted with alco-locks!
Emotionally – It all comes down to one thing, I demand constant confirmation of commitment from those nearest to me. Most of the time I feel like I’m unworthy of love, but when drunk I crave for this confirmation to a point where I wear people down.
The results of my drinking today is that I live in constant fear of poverty (more direct than the relative poverty we live in today) and social abyss.
I could actually shorten that down to that alcohol aggravates the constant fear I live in and I’m so sick and tired of being afraid all the time!
I want to be able to walk down the street with my head held high, want to be able to look my fellow man in the eye without having to wonder if they have witnessed me doing something pitiful and embarrassing, want to be able to have a few pennies left in the bank at the end of the month…