I’m working my first step and my sponsor has asked me to write a page on how alcohol has made my life unmanageable. This is harder than I would have thought.

I mean, when you read the first step “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” it sounds quite obvious, of course we did or we wouldn’t have gone to AA in the first place. But then, to sit down and actually put it down in writing, all the horrid things that happen to you – or rather all the horrid things you, yourself, put yourself through when you’ve been drinking – the pieces of the puzzle falls together and you’re struck with remorse and fear.

I did this to myself. No one forced me, no one did this to me.

I’m not sure what’s worse – admitting my faults to myself or to my sponsor. I’ve always fought so hard to uphold a nice and flawless façade and now I have to shatter it. Clearly I realise that people have seen through this for a long time, but still it’s a struggle.

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