Alcoholism


I have started to see a pattern in my depression, the mornings are worst. It seems to get better as the day passes and the most important seems to be to go out and meet the light. That usually helps a bit. Otherwise I feel like killing myself most days when I wake up.

Still struggling with the question “Why?” and starting to feel a debilitating guilt for all the sorrows and worry I have caused my loved ones. I don’t want to be me, don’t want to go on, don’t want to keep this life but have no other option. Some days the only reason for me to stay alive is because I feel an obligation to do so for my husband. Not wanting to live, but not being allowed to die… How sad is that for a life?!

So, I will get up, get out and struggle on for another day. Towards the evening things will feel easier and I will no longer feel quite so dreadful. I will go to bed, have a good night’s sleep and wake up to the anxiety and angst sitting on my chest making it almost painful to breathe again.

All I want to do is to scream at the top of my lungs, but I will be a quiet and good person. This too shall pass, and I will just take it one day at a time.

 

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It’s been a while since I wrote, not so much for not wanting to write as for feeling absolutely dreadful. Isn’t it ironic that I feel ever so much worse not drinking than I ever did drinking? I ache all over, my hormones are all over the place and I suffer from both anaemia and hypoglycaemia. The depression and the angst that has kicked in we shall not even begin talking about…

Why give up drinking when this is what sober feels like? I feel endlessly lonely and sad, but I know this is following a “normal” pattern. Still doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t want to do this, don’t want to do anything to be honest. What I want to do is to curl up in a dark hole and never come out again. I feel worthless…

I wouldn’t necessarily say that alcohol has made my life unmanageable – it was long before I took to alcohol as my drug of choice – but that the alcohol I used as means of calming my nerves from the effect of living in chaos aggravated this chaos to an extent where I could no longer cope at all.

My first drug of choice was fantasy. I created a world for myself to live in, a world I could bear to inhabit. I have done this for as long as I can remember, but the first time I managed to spin a tale so real that the adults in my life actually believed me I had just turned four. It took me years to get grounded and clear up the mess of 30 years living in fantasy land. Having said that, I did actually manage to move into the realm of most people’s reality and if I could manage that I can manage sobriety!

It wasn’t really until a year ago that alcohol became a problem. I had been a heavy drinker at times before that but I had always managed to keep the drinking under control and had no problem holding off. I also never drank alone until then, and I didn’t try to hide my drinking.

So, the unmanageable bit….

Financially – I drink to forget financial worry and end up spending yet more money. Not just on the booze but by spending recklessly when I’m on the piss. The next day waking up worried sick about how we are going to get through the month and then putting the lid on by drinking – and spending – yet more. At the moment I’m working myself into the grave to be able to get on my feet financially and I have kept ruining this by drowning the stress and worry.

Socially – I get extremely big-headed when drunk. There is nothing wrong with parts of my self confidence at the best of times, but when drunk I get obnoxious to a point where I just cringe thinking about it the day after. My computer, and phone, ought to be fitted with alco-locks!

Emotionally – It all comes down to one thing, I demand constant confirmation of commitment from those nearest to me. Most of the time I feel like I’m unworthy of love, but when drunk I crave for this confirmation to a point where I wear people down.

Results

The results of my drinking today is that I live in constant fear of poverty (more direct than the relative poverty we live in today) and social abyss.

I could actually shorten that down to that alcohol aggravates the constant fear I live in and I’m so sick and tired of being afraid all the time!

I want to be able to walk down the street with my head held high, want to be able to look my fellow man in the eye without having to wonder if they have witnessed me doing something pitiful and embarrassing, want to be able to have a few pennies left in the bank at the end of the month…

Today something wonderful happened, I actually managed to pray without that feeling of a lead lid on top of my head. I found a straight line to My Great Spaghetti monster and it felt good. I asked for guidance, I asked to be shown the right path and I asked to be accepted to do TGSm’s work.

You know what? I think it worked!

I fell asleep, my first dream being about flying in a hot air balloon. I have no idea why it was significant, but I know it was. I believe I was on my way to a meeting. Then my sponsor phoned and accidentally woke me up. A few words later and I was back to sleep.

Just before waking three hours later I had a dream about being at an AA meeting. One of my friends was also there, and it was clear to me that we had been going together to meetings for quite some time. The meeting was at my home group.

We had arrived slightly later than we usually did (I’m a notorious early comer these days) and the room was filled with people who don’t usually attend that meeting as well as those who do. The new comers turned out to be several people from my youth and it made me so happy to see them, but also so infinitely sad that they also had come to this…

Then I woke up.

Now I feel quite calm, quite content, quite mellow but also strangely elevated. Maybe I am being granted to get in touch with bits of myself again, I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter, what matters is that I feel good!

I’m working my first step and my sponsor has asked me to write a page on how alcohol has made my life unmanageable. This is harder than I would have thought.

I mean, when you read the first step “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” it sounds quite obvious, of course we did or we wouldn’t have gone to AA in the first place. But then, to sit down and actually put it down in writing, all the horrid things that happen to you – or rather all the horrid things you, yourself, put yourself through when you’ve been drinking – the pieces of the puzzle falls together and you’re struck with remorse and fear.

I did this to myself. No one forced me, no one did this to me.

I’m not sure what’s worse – admitting my faults to myself or to my sponsor. I’ve always fought so hard to uphold a nice and flawless façade and now I have to shatter it. Clearly I realise that people have seen through this for a long time, but still it’s a struggle.

So, I overcame my fear of rejection and got myself a sponsor and it wasn’t nearly half as difficult as I had imagined. I’d had this terrible image of me asking someone to sponsor me in the program and them laughing at me and rejecting me. Story of my life, really – never cool enough, or popular enough. Thing is the woman I asked, and had wanted to ask for quite some time, was really nice about it and accepting me no questions asked. I am most grateful!

This week I’m working the first step; “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I wouldn’t actually say I’m completely powerless – the power I have is not to take the first drink. As long as I stay away from that I’m fine. It’s when I’ve let the alcohol into my body that I’m toast! Then I won’t stop until I’m pretty much unconscious. Like a Pringles ad; Once you pop you won’t stop! 🙂

Anyway, my sponsor wants me to work the first step, and I will 🙂

May God/Goddess/Higher Power/Great Spaghetti Monster strike you down with with impotence, baldness, bad breath and life long flatulence to bring you into hiding from the world and let the rest of us get on with our lives in peace.

I don’t care what you call your God/Goddess/Higher Power or political figure head. It is of absolutely NO importance to me what so ever whether you are white, black, red, blue or fecking pink with turquoise dots – if you’re a fanatic you are NOT welcome at my table!

I am sick and tired of being forced to live in fear, sick and tired of you feeling that it is your god given right to terrorise me and others.

Just bugger off!

My thoughts this evening is with the people of Norway. They have suffered a terrible blow and I remember vividly what it felt like living first in London – with the fear of terrorist threats there – and how it felt living through the (fortunately failed) bombing of Stockholm in the middle of the Christmas shopping last year.

Maybe I should head to town and find myself a fanatic to feed some industrial strength laxatives and watch them suffer… I’m just very, very PISSED OFF right now!

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