I have started to see a pattern in my depression, the mornings are worst. It seems to get better as the day passes and the most important seems to be to go out and meet the light. That usually helps a bit. Otherwise I feel like killing myself most days when I wake up.

Still struggling with the question “Why?” and starting to feel a debilitating guilt for all the sorrows and worry I have caused my loved ones. I don’t want to be me, don’t want to go on, don’t want to keep this life but have no other option. Some days the only reason for me to stay alive is because I feel an obligation to do so for my husband. Not wanting to live, but not being allowed to die… How sad is that for a life?!

So, I will get up, get out and struggle on for another day. Towards the evening things will feel easier and I will no longer feel quite so dreadful. I will go to bed, have a good night’s sleep and wake up to the anxiety and angst sitting on my chest making it almost painful to breathe again.

All I want to do is to scream at the top of my lungs, but I will be a quiet and good person. This too shall pass, and I will just take it one day at a time.

 

Advertisements