Step one


I wouldn’t necessarily say that alcohol has made my life unmanageable – it was long before I took to alcohol as my drug of choice – but that the alcohol I used as means of calming my nerves from the effect of living in chaos aggravated this chaos to an extent where I could no longer cope at all.

My first drug of choice was fantasy. I created a world for myself to live in, a world I could bear to inhabit. I have done this for as long as I can remember, but the first time I managed to spin a tale so real that the adults in my life actually believed me I had just turned four. It took me years to get grounded and clear up the mess of 30 years living in fantasy land. Having said that, I did actually manage to move into the realm of most people’s reality and if I could manage that I can manage sobriety!

It wasn’t really until a year ago that alcohol became a problem. I had been a heavy drinker at times before that but I had always managed to keep the drinking under control and had no problem holding off. I also never drank alone until then, and I didn’t try to hide my drinking.

So, the unmanageable bit….

Financially – I drink to forget financial worry and end up spending yet more money. Not just on the booze but by spending recklessly when I’m on the piss. The next day waking up worried sick about how we are going to get through the month and then putting the lid on by drinking – and spending – yet more. At the moment I’m working myself into the grave to be able to get on my feet financially and I have kept ruining this by drowning the stress and worry.

Socially – I get extremely big-headed when drunk. There is nothing wrong with parts of my self confidence at the best of times, but when drunk I get obnoxious to a point where I just cringe thinking about it the day after. My computer, and phone, ought to be fitted with alco-locks!

Emotionally – It all comes down to one thing, I demand constant confirmation of commitment from those nearest to me. Most of the time I feel like I’m unworthy of love, but when drunk I crave for this confirmation to a point where I wear people down.

Results

The results of my drinking today is that I live in constant fear of poverty (more direct than the relative poverty we live in today) and social abyss.

I could actually shorten that down to that alcohol aggravates the constant fear I live in and I’m so sick and tired of being afraid all the time!

I want to be able to walk down the street with my head held high, want to be able to look my fellow man in the eye without having to wonder if they have witnessed me doing something pitiful and embarrassing, want to be able to have a few pennies left in the bank at the end of the month…

I’m working my first step and my sponsor has asked me to write a page on how alcohol has made my life unmanageable. This is harder than I would have thought.

I mean, when you read the first step “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” it sounds quite obvious, of course we did or we wouldn’t have gone to AA in the first place. But then, to sit down and actually put it down in writing, all the horrid things that happen to you – or rather all the horrid things you, yourself, put yourself through when you’ve been drinking – the pieces of the puzzle falls together and you’re struck with remorse and fear.

I did this to myself. No one forced me, no one did this to me.

I’m not sure what’s worse – admitting my faults to myself or to my sponsor. I’ve always fought so hard to uphold a nice and flawless façade and now I have to shatter it. Clearly I realise that people have seen through this for a long time, but still it’s a struggle.

So, I overcame my fear of rejection and got myself a sponsor and it wasn’t nearly half as difficult as I had imagined. I’d had this terrible image of me asking someone to sponsor me in the program and them laughing at me and rejecting me. Story of my life, really – never cool enough, or popular enough. Thing is the woman I asked, and had wanted to ask for quite some time, was really nice about it and accepting me no questions asked. I am most grateful!

This week I’m working the first step; “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I wouldn’t actually say I’m completely powerless – the power I have is not to take the first drink. As long as I stay away from that I’m fine. It’s when I’ve let the alcohol into my body that I’m toast! Then I won’t stop until I’m pretty much unconscious. Like a Pringles ad; Once you pop you won’t stop! 🙂

Anyway, my sponsor wants me to work the first step, and I will 🙂