Living sober


I started out the day feeling unbelievably sad and depressed. This has been growing inside for a while. I feel unworthy of love, feel that I deserve nothing good, and that I may just as well continue slowly killing myself. I have felt that I can’t go on living, but I feel a duty not to die. Tricky situation.

Today was a right pity party and I think I made most people around me thoroughly tired of me. Then, around one o’clock came a slip through the door telling me some books had arrived from Amazon, and that I could come and pick them up. That seemed to cheer me up a bit and once I got out in the sun to walk to the bus I not only felt a lot better but also felt a sudden sense of relief in a way.

It felt as if though the big led lid that has been blocking me in when I have tried to connect spiritually had somehow weakened. There was some kind of open line there. I didn’t feel like fighting any more, didn’t feel like anything really just allowed myself to just go with the flow.

I got up to the bus stop just in time to see the bus take off too early and I could have screamed. Had to catch the bus in the other direction and go to the center and change there. Up at the center I could actually feel a power dragging me, trying to get me to walk in to the shopping center and up to the booze shop. It was a very physical sensation and it took all my strength to pull back. Then, as if from no where a bus turned up, either far too early or far too late, but it was the bus that would take me straight down to the village where I could pick my parcel up.

This may sound awfully silly to most people, but it felt as if that bus was sent to me for my salvation today. That bus was most probably late or early for a perfectly good reason, but it came right in time for me. Pretty much like that night bus in Harry Potter…

My Spaghetti Monster came through for me and it felt very special!

Advertisements

It’s been a while since I wrote, not so much for not wanting to write as for feeling absolutely dreadful. Isn’t it ironic that I feel ever so much worse not drinking than I ever did drinking? I ache all over, my hormones are all over the place and I suffer from both anaemia and hypoglycaemia. The depression and the angst that has kicked in we shall not even begin talking about…

Why give up drinking when this is what sober feels like? I feel endlessly lonely and sad, but I know this is following a “normal” pattern. Still doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t want to do this, don’t want to do anything to be honest. What I want to do is to curl up in a dark hole and never come out again. I feel worthless…

Today something wonderful happened, I actually managed to pray without that feeling of a lead lid on top of my head. I found a straight line to My Great Spaghetti monster and it felt good. I asked for guidance, I asked to be shown the right path and I asked to be accepted to do TGSm’s work.

You know what? I think it worked!

I fell asleep, my first dream being about flying in a hot air balloon. I have no idea why it was significant, but I know it was. I believe I was on my way to a meeting. Then my sponsor phoned and accidentally woke me up. A few words later and I was back to sleep.

Just before waking three hours later I had a dream about being at an AA meeting. One of my friends was also there, and it was clear to me that we had been going together to meetings for quite some time. The meeting was at my home group.

We had arrived slightly later than we usually did (I’m a notorious early comer these days) and the room was filled with people who don’t usually attend that meeting as well as those who do. The new comers turned out to be several people from my youth and it made me so happy to see them, but also so infinitely sad that they also had come to this…

Then I woke up.

Now I feel quite calm, quite content, quite mellow but also strangely elevated. Maybe I am being granted to get in touch with bits of myself again, I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter, what matters is that I feel good!

My work is about caring for people and those I care for most of the time has been granted the gift of living almost completely in the moment due to their affliction. They suffer from various kind of forgetfulness – some from Alzheimer ’s disease and some from other forms of dementia but all of them live here and now.

Sure, they remember the far past, and sure they sometimes worry about tomorrow, but for the most they are content in the moment and it’s a rare treasure to be allowed to share this way of life. I’m trying very hard to learn from them how to do this.

The point is, that most of my life I have been trying to avoid living in the true moment. I have been creating a make belief reality of today, been desperately attempting to forget about it the next day whilst planning the next escape for tomorrow. A most exhausting way to be!

I think the lesson to be learnt is written out quite clearly for us in the serenity prayer, but it’s a matter of trying to let go. At least I have such an enormous need for control – maybe because I feel I’m losing the grip of my own life so often. Possibly the losing the grip is a way of controlling my environment in a way too – by losing control I force the people around me to take it. Not a nice thought for someone who takes a pride in being empathic and caring.

I’m still struggling with the higher power bit. Partly I doubt that I would be such an important figure that a possible higher power would bother with me when he/she/it didn’t bother saving those kids on Utöya the other day.

I mean, why should he/she/it? I’m a pretty rotten individual once I swap into civilian clothes, even though I am an excellent professional – if I may say so myself. Without trying to wallow in self pity I’m a lousy friend, a rotten wife and a bad daughter and sister. Hopefully I will learn to get better at these things as I learn to live in the true moment. I really would love to be a decent human being – not just a good one, but a decent one.

They say I should pray but it feels as if though there is a lead lid on top of my head blocking my link to the higher power. The lid is thick by the guilt I feel for being a bad person. I feel I don’t deserve the love of a higher power. Don’t really feel I deserve the love of anyone, to be honest, and almost doubt the sanity of those who claim to love me. Can’t be right, can it?

Anyway, tomorrow I will really try to communicate my surrender to the higher power. If my poor long suffering Husband can love me, then maybe an all forgiving God(dess) can too. It is after all considered human to err but divine to forgive…

I’ll give it a try and report back on it later 🙂

So, I overcame my fear of rejection and got myself a sponsor and it wasn’t nearly half as difficult as I had imagined. I’d had this terrible image of me asking someone to sponsor me in the program and them laughing at me and rejecting me. Story of my life, really – never cool enough, or popular enough. Thing is the woman I asked, and had wanted to ask for quite some time, was really nice about it and accepting me no questions asked. I am most grateful!

This week I’m working the first step; “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I wouldn’t actually say I’m completely powerless – the power I have is not to take the first drink. As long as I stay away from that I’m fine. It’s when I’ve let the alcohol into my body that I’m toast! Then I won’t stop until I’m pretty much unconscious. Like a Pringles ad; Once you pop you won’t stop! 🙂

Anyway, my sponsor wants me to work the first step, and I will 🙂

May God/Goddess/Higher Power/Great Spaghetti Monster strike you down with with impotence, baldness, bad breath and life long flatulence to bring you into hiding from the world and let the rest of us get on with our lives in peace.

I don’t care what you call your God/Goddess/Higher Power or political figure head. It is of absolutely NO importance to me what so ever whether you are white, black, red, blue or fecking pink with turquoise dots – if you’re a fanatic you are NOT welcome at my table!

I am sick and tired of being forced to live in fear, sick and tired of you feeling that it is your god given right to terrorise me and others.

Just bugger off!

My thoughts this evening is with the people of Norway. They have suffered a terrible blow and I remember vividly what it felt like living first in London – with the fear of terrorist threats there – and how it felt living through the (fortunately failed) bombing of Stockholm in the middle of the Christmas shopping last year.

Maybe I should head to town and find myself a fanatic to feed some industrial strength laxatives and watch them suffer… I’m just very, very PISSED OFF right now!

Next Page »