I started out the day feeling unbelievably sad and depressed. This has been growing inside for a while. I feel unworthy of love, feel that I deserve nothing good, and that I may just as well continue slowly killing myself. I have felt that I can’t go on living, but I feel a duty not to die. Tricky situation.

Today was a right pity party and I think I made most people around me thoroughly tired of me. Then, around one o’clock came a slip through the door telling me some books had arrived from Amazon, and that I could come and pick them up. That seemed to cheer me up a bit and once I got out in the sun to walk to the bus I not only felt a lot better but also felt a sudden sense of relief in a way.

It felt as if though the big led lid that has been blocking me in when I have tried to connect spiritually had somehow weakened. There was some kind of open line there. I didn’t feel like fighting any more, didn’t feel like anything really just allowed myself to just go with the flow.

I got up to the bus stop just in time to see the bus take off too early and I could have screamed. Had to catch the bus in the other direction and go to the center and change there. Up at the center I could actually feel a power dragging me, trying to get me to walk in to the shopping center and up to the booze shop. It was a very physical sensation and it took all my strength to pull back. Then, as if from no where a bus turned up, either far too early or far too late, but it was the bus that would take me straight down to the village where I could pick my parcel up.

This may sound awfully silly to most people, but it felt as if that bus was sent to me for my salvation today. That bus was most probably late or early for a perfectly good reason, but it came right in time for me. Pretty much like that night bus in Harry Potter…

My Spaghetti Monster came through for me and it felt very special!

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